The Office Gets Political
by Redhand05
Summary: What happens when the documentary crew starts looking into people's political affiliations before the 2012 elections? Nothing but Dunder Mifflin hilarity, of course!


The Dunder Mifflin gang was rounded up by the documentary crew before the 2012 Presidential Elections. The crew wanted to know who everyone was voting for. Some of the answers were, shall we say, illuminating.

Stanley: "I am at work, with the sole intention of coming here to get paid to put my daughter through college and pay off both of my ex-wives. I do NOT feel like discussing politics. Cynthia is planning on dragging me to the polls, again, and I can't see myself disagreeing with her on voting for Obama. So that is going to be that. Black solidarity and all of that. Don't tell Michael I said that.

For what it's worth, I used to be what you may call a student radical type. Of course, I now have a mortgage and have learned that "fighting the power" is about as useful and fun as working here is. "

Phyllis: "Politics? Jeez, I don't know if we should be talking about that. But Bob Vance, of Vance Refrigeration, told me that Romney would lower taxes, and it would help him to expand and make a lot of money. I want Bob Vance to make money so he can take me on a cruise. I've always wanted to go on one.

So I guess I am voting for Romney. Hope this pays off. I haven't voted since I saw that Michael Dukakis come around through Scranton. Very handsome man."

(in Colorado)

Michael: "Are you kidding me? I am down with the brothers, all of them, and am DEFINTIELY voting for Obama. Obama is black. Black is cool. Black is not Toby. Obama is the man for me. Nothing against the white guy, he reminds me of David Wallace, who is I hear killing it with that toy thing of his.

But the bottom line is that Obama is the coolest president ever, and I am going to vote for him again."

"What was that? What policy of his do I like the most? Um, all of them, of course."

Holly (holding baby twins): "I think I'll go with Obama. My life hasn't gotten worse since he was elected, so I see no reason to change things up."

(back in Scranton)

Dwight: "Please. I will not be participating in that duopolistic oligarchic sham known as the American electoral process. My views are far more refined than that. Ideally, we'd be electing a Kaiser, once and for all, to be the strong hand that guides us into the future. I have some ideal candidates in mind….

Anyways, if I HAD to pick someone for this shambolic exercise in futility, I would vote for Gary Johnson. The Libertarian Party is all about self-sufficiency, and I clearly am a self-sufficient man, trained in multiple martial arts disciplines as being an accomplished user of fatal weaponry. But don't expect me to get excited about the next coronation of the neoliberal lackey chosen behind the scenes by the powers that be."

Oscar: "Okay, Dwight may be insane at times, but I heard what he was saying about the oligarchy, and he is right. You'd expect me to pick Obama, right? I am a Gay, Latino, Secular Humanist man, and right in his wheelhouse, right? But I have been doing a lot of reading, and basically, I don't want to pick the same guy who is beholden to the Chicago system that got him to where he is today, built on graft and lies, or the guy who is still running with that bag of nonsense Joe Biden by his side, or the guy who somehow chose not to fight NDAA and engaged in counterintuitive reckless deficit spending, and I am an accountant, I know these things…

(Cameraman falls asleep as Oscar delves into a 40 minute political rant against the mainstream Democratic party and the camera goes into sleep mode as a result)

So that is why my pick for President is Jill Stein of the Green Party. Yes, she may be a loony lefty tree hugger, but frankly, we need someone like that at this point."

Meredith: "Ya know, I spend a lot of money on things I shouldn't. My income doesn't stretch as far as I'd like it to, and it's not MY fault. Sometimes, a woman just needs to let loose and get a bit crazy, if you know what I mean. And that WIC card that I got a few years ago is amazing! Apparently, I was in a tough enough pinch after Jake cost me quite a bit of money when he broke his arm and I had to pay for it, in addition to a party for the guys at Poor Richard's.

I don't normally pay attention to politics, but that Obama guy got me a card that I can pay for vodk-, I mean, groceries, with. I am voting for him. I love that thing."

Jim: "So I have a mortgage and two kids to support now. It is not easy to pay for all of that and cable at the same time. And my taxes have sort of skyrocketed lately because of my commission numbers, which have been pretty good. I should have stopped at $25,000 for October-

Pam: "I told him that. Yep, I told you that, right?"

Jim: "Yes, you told me that. So anyways, I really want lower taxes. It sucks what I am paying right now. Did you know that they put a federal tax on basketball nets a few years ago? Or tanning beds? It's insane. I voted for McCain last time around because he just sounded kind of like he knew what he was talking about, even if that Palin lady didn't. I'm not changing my mind. I'll vote for Romney. (fumes)"

Pam: "He gets really angry about this stuff-

Jim: "No, I just, I don't know, taxes suck."

Pam: "Yeah, I'd have to say I agree. I voted for Bush back in 2000 and 2004 because he would cut our taxes, but also because of the abortion thing. I don't know, the whole abortion thing just gets to me now more than ever. You know, like as a mother. Like, why would we allow anyone to do that? Its horrible. I can't even imagine doing that to a child. I didn't vote in 2008, and sort of regretted it. I guess its Romney for me this time."

Creed: "Okay, I doubt they'd allow me to vote in an election, but William Charles Schneider always votes for the Peace and Freedom Party, so I have a feeling Roseanne Barr can count on another voice of support. Fight the power, comrade. Up the workers. Free love in the streets and free meth for the tweaks.

Ideally, I'd vote for the Socialist Worker ticket, but they have been taking themselves too seriously lately. Just form your commune and have some fun outdoor orgies, and do not get angry if a man slips in. Love is love, baby."

Angela: "I would vote for Romney, but I find him so wishy washy on social issues. I am voting Virgil Goode of the Constitution Party as a result. Sean Hannity spoke very highly of him the other day. He is the last bastion for family values in this heathen land."

Toby: "I'll probably vote for Obama. Look, I work in HR, so I love rules and regulations. Keeps me sane and numb at this place. Obama mandated a ton of new rules through one of those executive orders a few years back, and the HR handbook doubled in size as a result. We even have terrorist incident folders that I am just thrilled to have the ability to crack open now. I can just pretend that I am reading the rule book when in reality, I am working on my detective novel. Its actually really cool, do you want to take a look?"

(cameraman leaves room before last sentence is finished)

Darryl: "Definitely Obama. More union friendly than yet another old white dude with some spooky religious beliefs. He also backs universal healthcare, which you too would be a fan of if your company actually investigates workers comp claims in detail. Fucking Dwight and Toby. If that was some government bureaucrat, I'd have gotten two free months off. Granted, I thought he'd do more for people like me and warehouses like ours, but it's still better than the alternative."

Andy: "You kidding me? I come from money, baby! I love low capital gains taxes and loopholes in the tax code! Romney is where it is at! Had I not been the founder of the College Nudist Party, I would have joined up with the Republicans.

But hey, don't tell Darryl. He is sort of the opposite, and he is a lot cooler than I am, so I feel like this would reflect poorly on me."l


End file.
